Aquarius playwright and lifelong bachelor William Congreve warned, “Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, nor hell a fury like a woman scorned.” Preach my guy, preach.
The national psyche is so enslaved by fear of women and the wrath that they bring, U.S. hurricanes, tropical storms, and tropical storms were named after them from 1953 to 1979. This practice was reformed by Roxcy Bolton. In truth, men are seriously and statistically more dangerous but the lore of the “crazy ex-girlfriend” persists.
While some committed couples celebrate “National Girlfriend Day” on August 1st (eye roll), jilted exes and their respective hexes are given their due on August 2nd when “National Ex-Girlfriend Day” comes to play.
In honor of this day of days and the women who take love the hard way, we’re taking a look at the way each zodiac sign handles a breakup. Read on to find out whether the breakup was amicable, or flamboyant.
ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
The Aries ex will continue to move forward with a rapid pace and reckless abandon as a way to cope. Tactless when wounded and most of the rest of the time too, they will show up at your favorite bar, office party, or christening with their latest hookup and put on a near pornographic display of PDA to make sure you know exactly what you’re missing. You’re a sucker!
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
Although the breakup process can last several years for Taurus, it is over once the bulls are done. Taurus are too proud to beg and vain to wither. They will reinvest their money, get fit, get dessert, and get their sommelier certification.
GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)
Gemini is the undisputed king of the on-again, off-again love life. They don’t keep any secrets and still text their ex all the time. Mercurial and unpredictable, you never know how, when or how hard a Gemini will come for you, a tactic of surprise favored by the late, great, Gemini Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes who burned her ex’s house to the ground after an argument about sneakers. Gemini is the kind of crazy that’s hard to quit and Lopes is no exception, she looked hot in her mugshot and lives on as legend. You can see more evidence that a Gemini ex is a gangster by watching this video of Stevie Nicks singing the song, unblinkingly and in total hatred to the man she wrote it about.
CANCER (June 21 – July 22)
Cancers have a hard time letting go. Nostalgic AF they can’t help but recall the good times and gloss over the trash like Ariana “Thank You, Next” Grande. This is the sign that text their exes moms, stalks their social media, and/or has children via surrogate or post cheating scandals like Khloe Kardashian, our Cancer queen.
LEO (July 23 – August 22)
Fact: A Leo would rather eat their own hair than admit that they were cast aside. Believe me, they will also lead a PR campaign in order to dispel any doubts about who was responsible for the dumping. Because everything a Leo does, and everyone a Leo love is an extension of them, the Leo ex-girlfriend wants their past partners to succeed so they can claim credit for their success. Real life quote from a jilted Leo: “No one even knew you existed until I invented you sophmore year.”
VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)
Virgo will always maintain that they are fine, even and especially when things are going wrong. For the Virgo ex healing takes on the tone ritual purification. This includes scrubbing the ex from social media and a cord cutting Ceremony.
LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)
Libra fronts with diplomacy and a vibe of well wishes and the saccharine sentiment of ‘thanks for the time we shared’ but in truth the Libra ex is salty that they poured so much time and energy into a dead end relationship. Libra ex will kill for kindness, secretly feel the pain and console themselves with knowing that they were way below average and will always be the one who got away.
SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)
Scorpio is the one who takes control if Cancer doesn’t give up. This sign oscillates between controlling an ex and exiling them. True love is never lost, but a scorned Scorpio may make you wish you weren’t born. They will blackmail their ex, install spy ware equipment on their devices, leverage nudes, or refuse to leave their shared home. The latter modality is made manifest in Scorpio Sally Field who continued to be a weekend guest at Burt Reynold’s house for YEARS following their breakup.
SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)
To quote a certain country classic, “If she’s lonely now, she won’t be lonely long.” Sagittairans are allergic to accepting blame and thus they have no regrets, a quality that makes moving on pretty pain free and fun forward, nothing a trance festival can’t cure or a foam party can’t wash away. Miley Cyrus, apex archer and singer, has evidence of this joy as revenge ethos. This rebound included a Lake Como escape with Kaitlynn Carter and a series lounge chair make-outs with her. Why cry when you could kiss, y’all?
CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)
Capricorn is a cell-level cellularist who understands the power and importance of scarcity. The sea goat lover will ignore you and cancel your health insurance. If they’re really out for blood they might try and ruin your credit or f**k your dad for kicks and kinks.
AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)
Aquarius believes they are better off being alone, so he or she will play it cool and question love as a concept and monogamy a construct. At the same time, he or she will make chaos moves like ripping their ex’s armpits out and holding their pet ferrets captive for ransom.
PISCES (February 19 – March 20)
Pisces are as intense about romantic fallouts than they are about falling in love. Things quickly turn from mutable into murderous. They are shameless in the face of heartbreak, sending long texts full of Pablo Neruda quotes and engaging in all sorts of emotional warfare. Sex is easily weaponized by a Pisces and these people will not hesitate to f**k all of your friends and even your new partner. Be sweet and you’ll get sweet, be cruel and you will be conquered.
Astrology 101: Your guide through the stars
Astrologer Reda Wigle researches and irreverently reports back on planetary configurations and their effect on each zodiac sign. Her horoscopes incorporate poetry, history, pop culture, and personal experience. She is also an accomplished writer, having profiled many artists and performers as well as chronicling her experiences while traveling. Among the many intriguing topics she has tackled are cemetery etiquette, her love for dive bars, Cuban Airbnbs, a “girls guide” to strip clubs and the “weirdest” foods available abroad.
Read the full article here
